


Don't stop being yourself (just be better)

by Ornery Otter (Greiver_Dhark)



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Shopkeeper Watanuki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greiver_Dhark/pseuds/Ornery%20Otter
Summary: Watanuki goes out alone and in the midst of trouble, breaks some harsh truths he'd been denying for too long.





	Don't stop being yourself (just be better)

He'd always wondered if this was how he was going to die. Smothered under the suffocating poison of a spirit too powerful for him to escape from. 

The irony was harsh; to fall to such a normal foe, to die by the same sort of spirits that had haunted him his entire (recall-able) life. 

Watanuki had been the shopkeeper of Yuuko's Wish shop for a little less than six months now, and he'd honestly thought he was beyond these spirits, that he was strong enough to discount them as a threat. 

Clearly that was a mistake. 

He choked with bitter laughter (and lack of air) from his prone position on the tatami mat he'd tripped over trying to flee once he'd realised he was in over his head. 

Watanuki Kimihiro often found himself in over his head. It was one of life's few consistencies – spirits, surprises, and him getting into trouble he couldn’t get out of alone. It was why Yuuko had practically assigned Doumeki to be his shadow after all. He shouldn't have discounted her instructions – even though he always did on this one, disliking having Doumeki around, being indebted to him. Now he'd pay the price for his arrogance. 

He wondered if it was truly arrogance though, or if it was something else. Peering out through narrowed eyes, he could scarcely see the rice paper walls of the corrupted shrine he was in through the shadowy form of the spirit enshrouding him. He didn't think that arrogance was truly his problem here, so much as denial – as always. Holding on to a belief out of sheer mental determination was a common practice for him – it was part of how he managed to retain his existence after all. Still, he'd spent much of his life practicing that skill on less desirable thoughts – like how he could cope without his wayward friend and rival (as much as it could be a rivalry when it was almost entirely one-sided). 

He'd spent his life holding on by a thread, his survival hinging on the strength of his will. Perhaps it wasn't even his refusal to accept his own weakness that was the fault of his current ill-fate. Perhaps it was another choice he was making, a choice this time to accept reality – that he couldn't do this alone – and the consequences that came with that. The choice to stop fighting against fate. 

Yuuko had fought against fate (or fought for it? The fate of Tsubasa and the cycle of time confused him so much) and had succumbed in the end, her existence changing little. Or changing a lot, in a few cases. Her sacrifice – not merely her death, but her life which she prolonged, such as it was – was what had kept Watanuki safe and alive, had given him the time to secure his own existence. 

How thoughtless of him, to throw that away now. 

He felt bad for it, truly. Barely six months he'd lasted without her – and even that long was only due to Doumeki and Himawari's efforts, for all that he refused to acknowledge that most of the time. His presence in the shop was what sustained it, and it was only on rare occasions that he was able to leave – nights such as tonight, or times when the Shop required it – to grant a wish, or take some other action. 

But neither Doumeki nor Himawari were coming to save him today. Both of them had had prior plans in place this evening. It wasn't the first time he'd gone out without them since taking over the shop, but it also wasn't the first time he'd gotten in over his head with no one to save him either. 

Not that it was all that unusual from when Yuuko was around in that regard – except back then Yuuko was around and was able to send Doumeki or someone else his way to drag him out of whatever trouble he'd wandered into in the nick of time. 

Oxygen deprivation was starting to become an issue by this point, and worse than that was his own fading magical ability – limited though it was. He could do little against such a powerful spirit without preparation beforehand. Usually his own sense was sufficient for him to have everything he needed when he went out on these ventures – he'd gotten better about that at least, but having what he needed to hand was not the same as being able to use it when the time came. All it took was a mis-placed foot to send him tripping over and his satchel flying from his person. No amount of strength would be enough for him to drag himself out of this to reach his bag and the items inside. 

It was a stupid way to die at this point – he'd have expected it of himself a year ago, still a high-school student and so naïve even after so long working for the shop. By now he wasn't so foolish – though clearly foolish enough. A lot had changed with Yuuko gone, some for the better and some for the worse. He'd thought he'd gotten better about being an idiot with his safety though, no matter what his friends said. 

Life was so hard, he mused as the world dimmed further around him. Why did everyone cling so hard to living when it was so hard, so painful? Was it just instinct, or was there real desire behind it? Did he desire to live? He wondered, because a life without Yuuko was a life he wasn't satisfied with, and yet he existed still, and he did so not alone. 

His friends deserved better from him – they always had and he knew it, but could do little to satisfy that inequality. His denial of it only made things worse but he had found it difficult to acknowledge the truth, to accept his failure. To die now, alone and out of their reach, in a place they would never find and thus never know the truth, wasn't something he could accept. 

He wouldn't say that he felt a fire in his belly from that thought – for all that he got fired up, his drive this time was sharp and cold, the same way it had been when he had fought for his existence in a paradox. Power didn't so much thrum through him as spread, prickling, through his chest and down his limbs, pushing the spirit away just a tiny increment, just enough for him to move, to pull himself free and crawl to his fallen bag and the items which lay within. 

It took only moments for him to pull out the sheaf of ofuda he'd stuffed in there and place one on the tatami mat on which he still lay. The spirit shrieked at him and drew back, and it was a matter of moments for him to slap a few more around and push it out entirely. 

He took a moment to catch his breath then, surprisingly calm considering the situation. Once his heart rate slowed back to normal Watanuki finished the task which had brought him out to this abandoned shrine in the middle of nowhere in the first place. 

Because in the end, he didn't need his friends to be out here with him, but he needed his friends all the same to get him through this, and it was about time he acknowledged that fact.


End file.
